Ame_Kurayami's Xanga

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 05:46:16 GMT

"I haven't ever really found a place that I call home. I never stick around quite long enough to make it. I apologize that once again, I'm not in love. But it's not as if I mind that your heart ain't exactly breaking. It's just a thought, only a thought. If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy... Well, I deserve nothing more than I get, cause nothing I have is truly mine."

My favorite songs, songs that I could listen to over and over and over again... Are not love songs. To be honest, this year feels like it's been a journey of self-finding. Of trying to figure out what really works for me. I never really took the time to notice all the changes, to think about, to compare and contrast the past and the present. Oh, I'm sure there's a lot of me that is still the same. But when he said, "Yeah, you haven't changed.", no bigger lie could have passed his lips.

I've become completely enraptured in finding a life all on my own. In thinking about where I want to live, where I should be in life, who and what I'm willing to leave behind, and what is important to me now. Have you ever called someone your best friend and didn't really mean it? Have you ever thought the words "I love you", but didn't really mean it? Like... It was a reaction, knee-jerk, to say it?

Today, while at the waterfront I thought to myself, "I say a lot of things I don't mean." Bad and good things included. Sometimes it feels like verbal diarrhea - the ability to stop myself from spewing these words seems almost impossible. Other times, I feel like I throw around words uselessly, to better enhance a conversation - make it more meaningful than it really is.

I'm trying to find meaning in my life, real meaning, not this nonsensical day to day type of thing. I just want something solid, defining, THERE, real - viable. Memories I used to know like the back of my hand have faded into simple words on this blog. I can't even recreate the images anymore. Has so much time passed? I can't conjure up the feelings from the past, where I had so adamantly, so fervently written about... how I felt. The passion, the anger, the sadness, the hate, the happiness, the joy, the bitterness. I can't even discern those feelings from the words alone. Is that how flat my tone was? Is that how... Did I honestly lack that much?

I mentioned to a friend today how naive I must have been to truly have gone to the ends of the world for something or another. And I think to myself how, not even earlier this year, I may have shared the same sentiment. But... There had to be a line drawn somewhere, right?

"I always thought that I would love to live by the sea. To travel the world alone and live more simply. I have no idea what's happened to that dream cause there's really nothing here left to stop me. It's just a thought, only a thought."

For once in my life, I feel like I can make decisions regarding my life. Regarding the path my life may take. I don't have to worry about someone else's life. Does that sound selfish? Going off on a tangent, I was reminded of my high school days just now, and though they aren't entirely too far away... I feel that there is no way, no way in hell, that I would willingly go back.

But, I digress.

Today, I just feel really old.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 01:44:06 GMT

"If you're not the one, then why does my soul feel glad today? If you're not the one then why does my hand fit your's this way? If you are not mine, then why does your heart return my call? If you are not mine, would I have the strength at all?"

And my heart warms. I haven't had the balls to listen to this song in years. Yes, years. Even when we were together, I couldn't listen to this song.

Hm.

There's... Wow, there's so much to say. I don't know where to begin. I love how this reminds me of how much I used to be in love. It's there, but it's not... It's not how I feel anymore, does that make sense? The soul-deep, heart-wrenching, know-in-my-gut that I'm absolutely head over heels. It's... Not there. And the only time I feel like that, sadly, is when I'm reading some love story.

Something about this song makes me want to get in my car and just think for a little bit. Maybe I will.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 09:31:22 GMT

"I took a chance, I took a shot... And you might think I'm bulletproof but I'm not. You took a swing - I took it hard, and down here from the ground I see who you are. I'm sick and tired of your attitude, I'm feeling like I don't know you. You tell me that you love me then cut me down."

Three twenty three am. Can I write down what transpired today? Or is it something that I should keep hidden beneath the depth of my mind, just below the surface of the repression of memories? My mind never really lingers, but I know I need to write. I know I need to express. But what? But what? But what, but what, but what?

Maybe if I close my eyes and just my fingers flow - I can paint the picture I want to say.

He's asked so much of me in so very few words. Never defining who I am, but always keeping me just close enough. I wasn't the girlfriend, the best friend, or the fuck buddy. I was simultaneously all three at once - with a no strings attached contract. On call for anything - at least, that's how it played out, didn't it? "Hello lovely." "I miss you..." "Don't you miss your relaxing buddy?"

And I... Well, I always had one foot out the door. As long as he wanted me, I was willing to stay - while at the same time, not allowing myself to develop any sort of attachment. Don't text him. Don't call him. Don't look for any updates about him. But if he wants to call me, if he wants to text me, if he wants to message me... Well, why not?

If I spend too much time thinking about it... It just doesn't feel right.

Even writing doesn't help.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 06:03:33 GMT

"Savior, He can move the mountains. My God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save. Forever, Author of Salvation, He rose and conquered the grave. Jesus conquered the grave."

To be quite frank, I'm beginning to hate facebook. I'm beginning to hate any social networking site out there. It feels like it's becoming an addiction - to constantly know what other people are doing and to constantly let other people know what I'm doing. Truth is, the only reason we care so much is because we are either A) Nosey as hell or B) Conceited as hell. It doesn't matter because both are bad qualities to have.

I want to take a vacation from all this internet stuff. A vacation from my phone. From duties. From what's needed of me. I don't really care much about anything that's going on right now except that I want to center myself and be okay with where I am. All of a sudden, everything got so complicated and I don't like it.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 04:13:16 GMT

"I've been thinking about our situation... It's not what I want. If you can't get what you're giving, then you've got to be moving on. But I got no hard feelings, just a heart that needs healing. It takes time but I'll find another road."

Can I tell you something? I don't think I want to do this. I don't want to transfer to Davis, I don't want to hang out with my friends who are trying to assimilate me into something I'm not really a part of, I don't want to see him ever again, I don't want to pretend to have confidence that I really don't have, and I just don't want to see anyone.

I don't want to keep putting up a front. I don't want to keep trying and for what? For what. Really. No one, let's face it, no one will ever love me that way - and I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with is that everyone feels the need to reassure me that it's going to happen, that I'm young, that I have my whole life to figure it out. Figure what out? Do you know what's pointless? Unnecessary hope. That is what is pointless. How many times have I cried over being the lonely one. Being the one who can't even get a guy to look at her twice. Being the one who doesn't have a boyfriend, who doesn't have "game", who isn't this and who isn't that. LET ME ACCEPT IT. Don't tell me otherwise.

Please don't try and tell me you've found me the perfect match when I've barely had a conversation with me. Don't tell me I'm beautiful and sexy or whatever the hell you tell me, when the only one who's seen me UTTERLY and COMPLETELY naked continues to drop me for the next thing. Please.

I just want to do something on my own. Something that is completely mine and mine alone. I thought UCLA was it... NOBODY went there. NOBODY. And now, I can't even go there because... Because I'm not supposed to. And it breaks my heart. I have to go where all of these people I want to AVOID - are. I just DON'T. Okay? I don't want to go.

I DO NOT WANT TO.

And I cannot stress it enough. I don't want to do mathematics. I DON'T WANT TO BE AT SOLANO UNTIL 2012. I just want to get out of here. THAT IS ALL I WANT. TO GET OUT OF HERE. I've been dying to get out of this place, literally BEGGING and now someone is telling me that it'll take me UP TO THREE YEARS to transfer TO A SCHOOL I DON'T WANT TO GO TO for a major THAT I HATE. COME ON.

I don't want to listen anymore. I just want to close my eyes and do things my way.

But I know, I KNOW that if I do I'll ruin it for myself like I have countless times in the past. But really? Really? If I really have to be here for that long... I don't know what I'd do with myself.

Friday, October 02, 2009

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 07:37:16 GMT

"A hundred days have made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face. A thousand lies have made me colder and I don't think I could look at this the same. And all the miles that separate, they disappear now when I'm reelin' of your face..."

When the world comes to a crashing halt, what do you do to get it spinning back into motion? And everything, every piece of information, every small talk, every secret sworn to keep, every deep and thought provoking conversation... They weigh heavily on my shoulders. "I'm lonely." "I missed you." "I just needed someone to talk to." "You are the only person to know." "No one understands." "I need you here." "Could you come over?" "You were the only one to listen."

And the price I pay is to carry the weight of each of these stories.

I don't mind it - I don't at all. There is nothing that could make me feel any more better than knowing I can be there if someone needs me. I've always wondered as to my self-worth, and these days it feels like I'm finding out more and more how much people want me around.

But, that's not what I came here to write about. If I were to be completely honest, I don't know what I want to write. Everything and nothing. Just words to fill the space inbetween. I can tell you that I don't want to see him - because I'm better off. I can tell you that I feel like this week was substantially different. I can tell you that I'm trying to love the girl I see in the mirror.

But... But this, but that, but what if and what not. But what? If I were to be completely honest, I just want someone to fall in love with. I want to daydream of proposals, weddings, a family, a faithful and loving husband whom I could be faithful and loving to. I want to put a face on the guy I want to hold me, who I could make laugh, who would tell me silly stories while I play with his hair.

I want to run up to him, whoever he may be, and have him catch me up in his arms. I want to giggle and laugh and be overjoyed just because he's there. I want to breathe in deeply and smell the unique scent of him, this guy who doesn't exist, and be utterly content in his arms.

I want to laugh at the absurdity of a crush. I want to worry about whether or not he'll call me, or if I'll get a "Good Morning" text. I want my friends to tease me about him, about how lovestruck I am, and how they'll hope that I'll get married to him.

And he's not even real.

To curl up in bed at night, imagining that he is there spooning me, to keep me warm.

I've come to expect that, that just wasn't made for me. That I've deluded myself with my friends, my novels, my fanfiction, and my romance movies. All of this... This isn't for me. I will never, ever, find that sort of thing for myself. And, I think I'm okay with that. I hope, a little, that I'm wrong. But for the most part, as cocky as it sounds, I'm never wrong.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 13:55:23 GMT

There's so much to say without actually being able to say it. My head hurts from all of this thinking, from the contemplating, from the wondering, the what ifs, to the what really is. I'm tired, to the bone tired, and there is no one - absolutely no one I can go to to help me. I've never felt more alone, more isolated, or more scared than I do now.

The future is bleak with so many outcomes that I can't stand to consider. He was by my side almost every day, missed me, and now... Now it feels as if I'm someone he's trying to forget. Ironic isn't it? I saw it coming - I swear I did, and yet I thought, "It could be different..." How foolish am I? I don't want to see him, I don't want to remember, I don't want to admit that YES, we were intimate the night before he left. And still, he left. And now there's probably another girl in his bed.

It hurts.

Nine minutes until class starts and I don't know what to say. Nightmares. Being unable to decide. Do I really want to go where God has placed me? Inferiority. Am I that much of a failure? I can't stand to look at him. I can't stand to look at them. It hurts and they don't know and I don't want to share. Plans I've made with people fall through because THEY forget. Who is my best friend now?

Eight minutes. I can't be here. The tears are welling up in my eyes and it's all I can do to not think about it. It's all I can do to hold it together, and dammit I'm tired of holding it together. Who do you think I am? I am NOT strong, I am NOT confident, I am NOT all of these things. I am scared, weak, hurt and I struggle. I struggle so much it hurts to breathe. I'm not ready for school at all but I need to be ready, if not now, by the end of the weekend. Does it matter? YES. Because I can't let him distract me. I'm this close to getting where I need to get and I can't afford distractions. I can't afford doubting God. I need to take what I know and GO. But it's not that easy, it's not, and it hurts... I don't want to be here. I need to run away. At least for a little while. Somewhere quiet where I can just let go.

Five minutes.

What else is there to say? The classroom noise level increases and I can't pretend that I'm okay. I'm angry that I even decided to take this class with people that I know. I hate this.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 06:48:36 GMT

"All I hear is raindrops falling on the rooftop... Oh baby, tell me, why'd you have to go? Cause this pain I feel it won't go away, and today I'm officially missing you."

And so ends the most (for lack of better word) epic summer of my entire life (thus far). I feel the need to listen to something relevant but I feel as if I'm out of choices. Some things are hidden beneath the surface of my psyche, such as the nights spent lounging on the computer or hours laughing in a friend's bedroom. Images of lying on a bed, snuggled peacefully into the side of another now dominate and I'd laugh if I didn't know it was such a vicious cycle.

But for some reason, the difference is, I can't bring myself to care.

There will be all Hell to pay and for that - I care. I care for the relationships I've invested in, the time I've spent, the hours I've wasted away - I care. I care for everyone else, for everything else, for the consequences, for the hurt, for the unknown. I care. I pray in vain because I know I've dug this hole. I've made my bed and I won't be ashamed to know that if it comes down to it - I will be sleeping in it.

I couldn't have both. The lover and the friend. I had to make the choice - which did I want? But somehow, those lines become blurred every time we're around each other. A never ending dance, but the possibility of an end breaks my heart into a million pieces. I matter, don't I?

But as reckless as I've been - I see it. In a new environment, in a new territory, trust plays a large part. And what is this, I wonder? No longer my place - I've relinquished my hold (unwillingly, if truth be told) but I've known it. Her name brings a ghost of hurt, a skipped beat of the heart, and I know that if this continues... Well then, healing will never make itself known.

Am I strong enough to say "No" when things are good? Strong enough to say "No" when I'm the only one? When I'm beautiful, sexy, strong, and independent? Will I say "No" when the odds are in my favor? Obviously not, but I need to learn how to. Stop while I'm ahead. Leave with the full knowledge that the lies were never truths but can soon become the latter if this continues.

Or maybe, I will nail Him to the cross once more, begging for the forgiveness I've already received, excusing the inexcusible and justifying my disloyalty.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 22:17:26 GMT

"We met on a rainy evening in the summer time, don't think I need to tell you more. I needed a raise - I worked so hard for this love of mine, love of mine. But still I got nothing to show for it. Here's a simplification of everything I'm going through... You plus me is bad news. But you're a lovely creation - I'd like to think that I am too. My friends said I look better without you. Tongue-tied and twisted... Go on baby, go to my head."

The lyrics distract me from what I really need to say. In a way I'm content, I'm happy, but to be honest? I know it's completely wrong. And if I were smart (if I were smart all those other times as well) I'd get out now before it gets worse. Will I listen? In my heart, I feel the answer is no. I feel like this time it's different (oh but is it ever?) and that I'm stronger this time around.

You know, the definition of insanity is repeating a process over and over again yet expecting different results.

And, as a justification, I tell myself that I'm waiting for such and such time. For him to leave, for school to start for me, for me to get a job, to continually fill my time so that I have an excuse to say, "No", because in reality I don't know how to say no. Funny, isn't it?

There's so much to look forward to and in times like these, I push back my immediate conflict with him and concentrate on the immediate present. They say the first three days are the hardest. Let's be real - I haven't made it past three days in about a month.

Let's begin today, this hour, this minute.

... After I check my phone.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 16:43:28 GMT

"But I'm stuck in this f*cking rut, waiting on a second hand pick me up and I'm over getting older. If I could just find the time then I would never let another day go by, I'm over getting old. Maybe it's not my weekend, but this could be my year! And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere. And this is my reaction to everything I feel cause I've been going crazy and I don't wanna waste another minute here."

RUN. Oh my God, run. I need to run away, far, far away from here. I can't stand the looks, the sounds, the people, the reminders. The weight on my shoulders grows heavier as I imagine the not-too-distant future. Thoughts of them together swirl around my head, taunting me, as if reminding me of my worth.

Run away. The thought consumes me and I'm enticed or rather tempted to start anew. But where? When? How?

My heart still stops. At the mere SIGHT of. I'm ruined for life.