| | "And baby what hurts the most is letting go, I just want you to know that I love you so. I know things are different now, you've gone and settled down, when I thought for sure you'd always wait for me."
I'm slowly sinking past the point of no return and for a brief moment I was glad for it. It seems, quite literally, that wherever I turn there are couples coming together. Whether they're miles apart or lying side by side, on the phone or chatting quietly online, they're all out there. And myself? Well, I'm cuddling up with a story that brings up the memories of my ex (unintentionally) and wondering what's really left for me out there.
Bury my head underneath my pillow and come out only when I've been taken far away from this place. I'm happy for each and every one of my friends who've found someone they could be with, but this dull ache has been kicking my butt for the better part of this year and I'm ready to find something better.
I couldn't find any shorts to go with my tanktop tonight, the weather is unnaturally warm, and my eyes landed on a pair of shorts I had yet to return. Slipping them on, I figured, what the hell? What's the worst that could happen? Right? Well, as the song plays, I consider every little thing. I consider the ring at the bottom of a vase, a card stuck between two books, some shirts stuffed in a closet, and a number I've long deleted from my phone book - but will always remain burned into my memory.
I miss him and these five months haven't changed that. I wonder if, in seven years, I'll still feel the same way? I can't really imagine him with me anymore. Even the memories that I dig up are so farfetched in my own mind that it's a step away from blasphemy just thinking about it. I guess the million dollar question really is, do I miss him or do I miss having someone? Though, to be honest (and not the tad bit modest), if I really wanted a guy I could have him. I suppose, even if I really wanted him, I could try and get him back. My pride wouldn't let me (thank God for that) and neither would my self-esteem for that matter.
There's this barrier that I stand in front of, a sort of looking glass if you will, and I spend a lot of my time contemplating it. The glass is cool beneath my fingertips, my reflection someone I fail to recognize. I see a lot of who I've been, what I've been through, the good and the bad, and I always try to reach for it. To hold onto some semblance of the past. To hold onto the girl who had the boy - despite her insecurities. To hold onto the girl who had the friends - despite all of the drama. I think a lot of the girl I used to be, the high school memories I've been trying to repress, and I'm not quite sure where she's gone.
I don't really recognize me - this person I've become. She's a far cry from what I used to be. The similarities are there, and possibly the only thing that remains is this dying affection I have for the boy in my past.
I can't stand to be around my friends some days. In the confines of my mind, I try to hide away everything I think about late at night. I don't fake the enjoyment I have when I'm in their company, but sometimes I feel like there has to be more for me. There has to be more fulfillment in my life than this banal existence.
I'm embarrassed that I'm still here writing about this. I wish this thought process would end - or that I'd have something more interesting to write about but I guess only in time. |
| | Posted 7/9/2009 3:09 AM - 1 View - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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