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| "I haven't ever really found a place that I call home. I never stick around quite long enough to make it. I apologize that once again, I'm not in love. But it's not as if I mind that your heart ain't exactly breaking. It's just a thought, only a thought. If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy... Well, I deserve nothing more than I get, cause nothing I have is truly mine."
My favorite songs, songs that I could listen to over and over and over again... Are not love songs. To be honest, this year feels like it's been a journey of self-finding. Of trying to figure out what really works for me. I never really took the time to notice all the changes, to think about, to compare and contrast the past and the present. Oh, I'm sure there's a lot of me that is still the same. But when he said, "Yeah, you haven't changed.", no bigger lie could have passed his lips.
I've become completely enraptured in finding a life all on my own. In thinking about where I want to live, where I should be in life, who and what I'm willing to leave behind, and what is important to me now. Have you ever called someone your best friend and didn't really mean it? Have you ever thought the words "I love you", but didn't really mean it? Like... It was a reaction, knee-jerk, to say it?
Today, while at the waterfront I thought to myself, "I say a lot of things I don't mean." Bad and good things included. Sometimes it feels like verbal diarrhea - the ability to stop myself from spewing these words seems almost impossible. Other times, I feel like I throw around words uselessly, to better enhance a conversation - make it more meaningful than it really is.
I'm trying to find meaning in my life, real meaning, not this nonsensical day to day type of thing. I just want something solid, defining, THERE, real - viable. Memories I used to know like the back of my hand have faded into simple words on this blog. I can't even recreate the images anymore. Has so much time passed? I can't conjure up the feelings from the past, where I had so adamantly, so fervently written about... how I felt. The passion, the anger, the sadness, the hate, the happiness, the joy, the bitterness. I can't even discern those feelings from the words alone. Is that how flat my tone was? Is that how... Did I honestly lack that much?
I mentioned to a friend today how naive I must have been to truly have gone to the ends of the world for something or another. And I think to myself how, not even earlier this year, I may have shared the same sentiment. But... There had to be a line drawn somewhere, right?
"I always thought that I would love to live by the sea. To travel the world alone and live more simply. I have no idea what's happened to that dream cause there's really nothing here left to stop me. It's just a thought, only a thought."
For once in my life, I feel like I can make decisions regarding my life. Regarding the path my life may take. I don't have to worry about someone else's life. Does that sound selfish? Going off on a tangent, I was reminded of my high school days just now, and though they aren't entirely too far away... I feel that there is no way, no way in hell, that I would willingly go back.
But, I digress.
Today, I just feel really old. | | |
| "If you're not the one, then why does my soul feel glad today? If you're not the one then why does my hand fit your's this way? If you are not mine, then why does your heart return my call? If you are not mine, would I have the strength at all?"
And my heart warms. I haven't had the balls to listen to this song in years. Yes, years. Even when we were together, I couldn't listen to this song.
Hm.
There's... Wow, there's so much to say. I don't know where to begin. I love how this reminds me of how much I used to be in love. It's there, but it's not... It's not how I feel anymore, does that make sense? The soul-deep, heart-wrenching, know-in-my-gut that I'm absolutely head over heels. It's... Not there. And the only time I feel like that, sadly, is when I'm reading some love story.
Something about this song makes me want to get in my car and just think for a little bit. Maybe I will. | | |
| "I took a chance, I took a shot... And you might think I'm bulletproof but I'm not. You took a swing - I took it hard, and down here from the ground I see who you are. I'm sick and tired of your attitude, I'm feeling like I don't know you. You tell me that you love me then cut me down."
Three twenty three am. Can I write down what transpired today? Or is it something that I should keep hidden beneath the depth of my mind, just below the surface of the repression of memories? My mind never really lingers, but I know I need to write. I know I need to express. But what? But what? But what, but what, but what?
Maybe if I close my eyes and just my fingers flow - I can paint the picture I want to say.
He's asked so much of me in so very few words. Never defining who I am, but always keeping me just close enough. I wasn't the girlfriend, the best friend, or the fuck buddy. I was simultaneously all three at once - with a no strings attached contract. On call for anything - at least, that's how it played out, didn't it? "Hello lovely." "I miss you..." "Don't you miss your relaxing buddy?"
And I... Well, I always had one foot out the door. As long as he wanted me, I was willing to stay - while at the same time, not allowing myself to develop any sort of attachment. Don't text him. Don't call him. Don't look for any updates about him. But if he wants to call me, if he wants to text me, if he wants to message me... Well, why not?
If I spend too much time thinking about it... It just doesn't feel right.
Even writing doesn't help. | | |
| "Savior, He can move the mountains. My God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save. Forever, Author of Salvation, He rose and conquered the grave. Jesus conquered the grave."
To be quite frank, I'm beginning to hate facebook. I'm beginning to hate any social networking site out there. It feels like it's becoming an addiction - to constantly know what other people are doing and to constantly let other people know what I'm doing. Truth is, the only reason we care so much is because we are either A) Nosey as hell or B) Conceited as hell. It doesn't matter because both are bad qualities to have.
I want to take a vacation from all this internet stuff. A vacation from my phone. From duties. From what's needed of me. I don't really care much about anything that's going on right now except that I want to center myself and be okay with where I am. All of a sudden, everything got so complicated and I don't like it. | | |
| "I've been thinking about our situation... It's not what I want. If you can't get what you're giving, then you've got to be moving on. But I got no hard feelings, just a heart that needs healing. It takes time but I'll find another road."
Can I tell you something? I don't think I want to do this. I don't want to transfer to Davis, I don't want to hang out with my friends who are trying to assimilate me into something I'm not really a part of, I don't want to see him ever again, I don't want to pretend to have confidence that I really don't have, and I just don't want to see anyone.
I don't want to keep putting up a front. I don't want to keep trying and for what? For what. Really. No one, let's face it, no one will ever love me that way - and I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with is that everyone feels the need to reassure me that it's going to happen, that I'm young, that I have my whole life to figure it out. Figure what out? Do you know what's pointless? Unnecessary hope. That is what is pointless. How many times have I cried over being the lonely one. Being the one who can't even get a guy to look at her twice. Being the one who doesn't have a boyfriend, who doesn't have "game", who isn't this and who isn't that. LET ME ACCEPT IT. Don't tell me otherwise.
Please don't try and tell me you've found me the perfect match when I've barely had a conversation with me. Don't tell me I'm beautiful and sexy or whatever the hell you tell me, when the only one who's seen me UTTERLY and COMPLETELY naked continues to drop me for the next thing. Please.
I just want to do something on my own. Something that is completely mine and mine alone. I thought UCLA was it... NOBODY went there. NOBODY. And now, I can't even go there because... Because I'm not supposed to. And it breaks my heart. I have to go where all of these people I want to AVOID - are. I just DON'T. Okay? I don't want to go.
I DO NOT WANT TO.
And I cannot stress it enough. I don't want to do mathematics. I DON'T WANT TO BE AT SOLANO UNTIL 2012. I just want to get out of here. THAT IS ALL I WANT. TO GET OUT OF HERE. I've been dying to get out of this place, literally BEGGING and now someone is telling me that it'll take me UP TO THREE YEARS to transfer TO A SCHOOL I DON'T WANT TO GO TO for a major THAT I HATE. COME ON.
I don't want to listen anymore. I just want to close my eyes and do things my way.
But I know, I KNOW that if I do I'll ruin it for myself like I have countless times in the past. But really? Really? If I really have to be here for that long... I don't know what I'd do with myself. | | |
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